Get in, loser. We're going on sub.

Part I

Okay, the title is misleading. I just wanted something catchy. I will write more in depth about sub, eventually, but it’s still too soon to have anything interesting to say. In the meantime, you can read my hot friend’s substack.

I wish I had the exact words to describe the switch in my mind, once I settled into the agented era. In two days, it’ll be my third month being agented—yay! And almost from the start, I felt I was in a Portal Fantasy, having just crossed to the Other Realm. So, is everything magical here? Not really. In parts, it feels lonelier than querying. Folks tend to share their querying endeavors more so than their sub journeys, and sub itself involves a lot of necessary secrecy (for example, sometimes you might have to wait for permission to announce a deal). Also, sub is a slow process.

While I feel immensely accomplished for getting where I’m at, I can’t help but wonder…is this it? Silence. Waiting. So much waiting! The anguish of not knowing if your edits are any good, until your agent confirms it. The torment of not knowing if you’ll get a deal. It all rolls into an avalanche of anxiety.

I’ve reached limbo, I guess.

My goalposts shifted, of course. (Naively) I thought all I needed was getting the first step in, and then I wouldn’t worry about submission and book deals. I would be so mindful and demure! Cool and collected. Reader, I am…not. I’m sure once I get the deal, the goalpost will shift again. The anxiety will never stop leveling up! Yippee.

At the same time, having an agent doesn’t feel real. I keep dreaming about my ex, and I even miss her sometimes—hello, Query Tracker, my old friend. I had something to do! Even if “something” was checking agents’ timelines compulsively. I had queries to worry about and, with how widely I queried, I also had a lot of responses. That being said, I hope I don’t sound ungrateful—because I’m not. I’m over the moon that I get to work with someone who gets my work.

This is the most ramble-y, messiest substack ever. More of a diary entry than an actual post. Forgive me! Welcome to my jumbled mind. I guess even the structure of it shows how I’ve been feeling, stuck in some sort of distorted reality. Pretend it makes sense!

In other news, I’ve been accepted into the upcoming Reverent Anthology. Here’s the moodboard for my catholic horror piece, Relicário:

I’ll share more soon!