A cycle of failures
I spent the whole of January sick, which greatly impacted my (insane) reading goals for the month. If I’m being honest, I would not have come close to said goal, even if it weren’t for the flu. But I’m choosing to focus on the positives: I still read! And that’s all that really matters.
So, here’s a summary of this month’s reads:
I read Setting and Description by Amy Jones (little craft book with gorgeous illustrations, easy to follow);
I read Folie du Corps by my beautiful, talented friend, Faith;
Finished The Curse of Sins by Kate Dramis and really enjoyed it;
Finished Aurochs by my other beautiful, talented friend, Luce;
Read Veil, vol. 6, by Kotteri;
Started and DNF’s a (published) book I kind of knew I was not going to enjoy;
This got me thinking about failures.
It’s been a few hard weeks, with the unknowable, hungry abyss that is being on submission. It calls to me, in the night, when I’m trying to sleep. It sings my name when I’m trying to work on my other projects. It makes me feel like I’ve already jumped head first into it and will never be able to claw my way up, or get the elusive book deal of my dreams.
Aurochs has this weird eldritch horror/alien bull that’s parts alluring—or maybe I’m a freak—parts terrifying, all-consuming beast out to get you, and I found myself drawing comparisons to the epic highs and lows of publishing. I do want it to consume me. Hell, I serve myself to it on a silver platter daily, even knowing it spikes up my anxiety levels, messes up my vision, and requires a sort of devotion that is, uh, not the most healthy. And like the girls in Folie du Corps, I want this so badly that I’m willing to let it devour me—No, no, no! Bad Kate.
Add another round of edits for DBM, my vampire/succubus book, to the pressure (and silence, so much silence) of sub and you have the recipe to feeling like a failure. I was honest to God convinced my agent hated this book and was probably doubting herself for offering. Yesterday, though, we had a lovely call—and I was struck by yapperitis! turns out I can’t shut up when we keep camera is off—and my agent reassured me she doesn’t secretly wish to burn my baby.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, mostly because I’m in a privileged position, being able to write whenever I want, and I feel like I’m “wasting it” if I’m not constantly being productive. Tastes just like failure. But with this book, in specific, I convinced myself I had to make it perfect as fast as I could.
The good news is, I’m pretty sure I got it this time! Turns out what this book needed the most was a time period change. And for me to chill out. Everything makes sense now! If only it hadn’t taken me so many rounds and different drafts… That’s not failing, though. With each version, I learned what I want and do not want of my career, my writing style, and I grew as an artist. It also taught me I don’t have to be afraid of expressing my fears to my agent. She’s my number one cheerleader and my business partner.
I guess the lesson here is that every step I take is a step closer to achieving my goals. Even if it’s a step backwards. I might have missed something along the way, and that gives me the chance of picking it back up before continuing on my merry way.